4 Goals of Misbehavior- Understanding Your Child’s Actions

The Goals of Misbehavior shared by Kathryn Kvols in her book Redirecting Children’s Behavior, have been one of those “Ah-ha Moments” for me this summer. I was first introduced to them at the Mom’s group I attended this summer at our church, and the information was just so helpful, I couldn’t wait to share it with all of you!

My most helpful part, was that the author describes how the misbehavior makes the parents feel. I find it perfectly describes how I feel in these situations with my boys and with students in my classroom, when they are misbehaving!  This information has really encouraged me as a mom to step back and evaluate what my sons’ goals are when one of them is misbehaving. Perhaps I need to be doing something differently! 

4 Goals of Misbehavior

Goal 1: Attention

How the Child Feels: “I only count when I’m being heard.”

How the Parent Feels: Annoyed, Don’t want to give them attention

Suggestions for Redirection: Ignore the negative and praise the positive, Offer 2 choices for the child to choose from

Parent’s Goal: To stop reinforcing the misbehavior

Goal 2: Power

How the Child Feels: “I only count when I’m in control!”

How the Parent Feels: Angry, Out-of Control, Threatened

Suggestions for Redirection: Teach them to be a ‘supervisor’ of something, Give them choices instead of orders

Parent’s Goal: Disengage yourself from the power struggle

Goal 3: Revenge

How the Child Feels: “I can’t be liked, I don’t have power, but I’ll count if I hurt others like I feel hurt.”

How the Parent Feels: Hurt, Anger, Withdraws from Child

Suggestions for Redirections: Encourage your child more, Remain friendly even when your child’s words hurt you, Use logical consequences, Apologize, Teach them to better express their feelings

Parent’s Goal: Improve your relationship with your child; be loving, firm, but kind

Goal 4: Avoidance/Display of Inadequacy

How the Child Feels: “I can’t do anything right so I’m not even going to try!”

How the Parent Feels: Hopeless, Inadequate, Thoughts of Failure

Suggestions for Redirection: Speaking gently with your child (yelling is typically the reason for this in the first place); Arrange opportunities for small successes, Don’t do things for them right away, Help them feel valuable, Don’t coax them or feel sorry for them, Give words to their feelings

Parent’s Goal: To encourage any effort no matter how small it seems. Concentrate on changing your own behavior if  you wish for your child to change theirs

Read more about The 4 Goals of Misbehavior in the book Redirecting Children’s Behavior by Kathryn Kvols.

photo credit: aboutourkids.org

Mackenzie is a follower of Jesus, wife, mama of two toddler boys, teacher at heart, and coffee lover. She was a lower school elementary teacher for over 6 years, with a master's degree in Reading, and is a certificated Reading Specialist. She currently works part-time at a private school allowing her more time at home with her little guys.

Mackenzie has blogged 532 posts here.